this beer tastes like vomit already
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
