someone get that fucking seahorse.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
