she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
