What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It's official drugs can't kill me
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
