based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
