Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
