Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
