You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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