well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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