after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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