I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
