Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
