Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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