foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
