I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
