it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
