so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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