I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
