Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
