I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
