so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
