I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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