my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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