i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
where are you?
Hypothermia
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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