Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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