ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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