Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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