oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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