i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
