oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
