apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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