I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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