i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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