now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
