Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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