i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
