I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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