So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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