So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Sober January is a disaster.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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