I wish my penis had an off switch
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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