im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
