no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.