I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?