So drunk its hurt
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
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tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
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You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.