Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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