I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
