Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
