dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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