I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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