We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I did not marry a roomba.
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