she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
it glows. i had to have it.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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