I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
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Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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