I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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