Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
