So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
If I die, sorry about rent.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
