apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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