For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
